Thursday, January 29, 2015
The shala is full and I barely take a breath between one class and the other
People spread their mats
what I sense from the group is a mixture of elation, fatigue, and uneasiness.
Especially if they're new in here.
This unquenchable thirst that drives them to explore things
or more exactly: brought them to yoga.
oṃ bhūr bhuvaḥ svaḥ...
I begin the Gayatri mantra and everybody joins
I have the power to uplift myself and others through my voice
chant silently when I lie in bed and can't sleep
So simple and thus implausible
Whenever I experience solitude and alienation
I know I've lost my connection with the Divine
and I begin to sing again
I dance immerse in the sublime chant rampant and untamed
fulfilled intoxicated Sarasvati Mahalakshmi Durga Devi lose my senses...
Oxun ocean the Amazon a mystic I'm soooo happy to have gone astray
My throat has opened and the sounds are pure
When I sing
I'm not scared of receiving love
I'm not scared to follow my heartline, my enlightenment
My highest excitement
And I love.
Oxun lava meus olhos
Oxun meu coração
Oxun flor das aguas
lava meu coração.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
I consider myself the luckiest person on earth
I have this amazing ability of resurrection
So even though my biography so far may remind a roller-coaster
where my "highs" are high beyond belief and my "lows" are like periods of decaying Lazarus in some tomb-cave
I'm alive and kicking!
It was the worst and the best year of my life.
I'm just holding this copper Durga coin in my hand
A goddess with the tiger
I live and breathe yoga
It runs in my veins
May I always have the courage to follow my highest excitement
May my life be of some use
May my blog bring comfort and inspire
May iy bring some anesthesia for the hurting hearts
The best and the worst year of my life.
Two sides of the same 2014 coin
Loss, divorce, severe depression, loneliness, nothingness, emptiness, burning desire to die
And out of this despair what manifested is incredible friends (old and new), my yoga teaching job - my true vocation & living my dreams, the most extraordinary yoga master ever - somebody whom I had been seeking all my life, dharma retreats which just keep me in check, fun, music, art, Ph D, beauty, joy, open heart, my unfaltering belief in the Absolute wisdom of the Universe
Abundance of experiences
This morning I taught a New Year yoga class
and afterwards one of my students told me it had been the best morning in her life in ten years
She cried in the final relaxation and felt relieved
I find it really rewarding
I'm in the right place
If there's somebody most intoxicated by love of life
This love just runs in my veins
And I feel so glad so magically happy
So free and excited about his New upcoming Year
~*~Thank You all very much for being with me
(I know I'm a blogger slacker, I'll improve, I promise)
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Patrzy na nas z miłością, jego słowa trafiają w sedno, a praktyki przynoszą ukojenie.
To musi być jakaś moja niesamowita zasługa, siedzieć przy świętym, przy nim wypłakiwać swój ból, aż moje serce staje się doskonale czystą krainą i przypominam sobie kim jestem.
To musi być jakaś moja niesamowita zasługa, że ból duszy skłania mnie ku jodze, Dharmie, medytacji, podróżom i tworzeniu zamiast robienia rzeczy niekonstruktywnych i poszukiwaniu sensu tam, gdzie jest tylko większa pustka. Ziemia jałowa.
To musi być jakaś moja niesamowita zasługa, że w obecności ponad 200 osób wzięłam mikrofon i zaśpiewałam indyjską ragę, a ludzie dołączyli.
Że spotkałam i nadal spotykam niesamowitych Nauczycieli, dzięki którym uczę się jak osiągnąć pełną błogość, a nie jedynie przebłyski szczęścia.
To było zawsze takie moje iluzoryczne przekonanie, że przytrafiają mi się złe rzeczy, ponieważ jestem złym człowiekiem. A czytając biografie świętych oraz żyjących nauczycieli okazuje się, że na ogół mieli oni bardzo ciężkie życie.
Siedzę przy świętym człowieku, przypomina mi czym jest niczym nieuwarunkowane szczęście.
Czuję się nakarmiona.
A poczucie oddzielenia pęka jak bańka mydlana.
Monday, September 22, 2014
Yoga is a never-ending process of purification.
Every time I engage in my practice I let go of a grain of sand stuck on my muddy glasses which prevents me from seeing the reality the way it is.
Hence my suffering.
Yoga can be compared to a preparation for a final exam - there's a number of subjects one needs to comprehend in order to happily pass it and achieve this perfect unlimited freedom we all head for. Philosophy-Asanas-Mudras-Pranayama-Shatkarma-Meditation.
One of the most fundamental elements of Patanjali's yoga regarding individual discipline is sauca, cleanliness, understood multidimensionally.
Not only do we attend to personal hygiene and keep our closest surrounding neat and clean, but also we reach for purifying techniques, proper diet, cosmetics (the latter ones being at least non-tested on animals and paraben-free).
Then, on a more subtle level we purify our minds from afflictive emotions and thoughts, such as judging, aversion (all our likes and dislikes), envy, attachments and desires.
Most easily - through meditation on their imperfection, acknowledgement and awareness where they will take us.
So if I'm jealous of my man for no reason I become conscious that my oversensitive imagination, wild beast is just about to take me to some dark unpleasant place I don't want to be.
Or if I want something so badly it makes my soul cry I contemplate impermanence - the fleeting pleasure this very thing will finally turn out to be.
Then it's my choice if I still want to pursue it, not my feverish need.
After all - all my journeys I'd been dreaming so much of, came to an end.
I would always get back on a plane and land in Warsaw.
Same with my beloved studies, relationships and all I derived joy from.
Completely temporary (yet refreshing and congenial).
So each time I stand on the mat I transform the tamas of my body and the rajas quality of my mind into sattva.
Each time I sit in meditation, breathe, do a cleansing technique such as nauli kriya or trataka I get rid of one tiny impression, samskara which will enable me to perceive everything more clearly.
And it's a never ending story because as the day goes by one thing will irritate us, other attract and attach.
We will want to reach somewhere, achieve something, we'll use bad language, be unkind, lazy, we'll see ourselves as better, and others as worse or non-deserving (or the other way round).
So not only do we have to purify our long-ago accumulated karma but also the one we're gathering right on the spot.
A never-ending process of purification.
Friday, September 5, 2014
Infantile as it might sound, I firmly yet mistakenly believed yoga would turn me into a living Buddha or Jesus Christ.
Well, what I definitely dare say is that Yoga made me aware of defilements and detours my heart and mind might make.
Yoga happens when one voluntarily imposes discipline upon themselves with the intention that it will liberate them from suffering.
The heart requires some yoga training too, it's not only about putting the body into asanas.
Apparently it is possible to train the mind to be compassionate, mindful and loving.
Depending on what enlightened qualities one seeks, there are numerous practices to follow
Want a long life? - take White Tara
Compassion - Metta meditation
Health - Hathayoga and shatkarma
Not to mention there's a mantra from such a long spectrum of wishes from a physical healing to sacred love making.
Whenever one takes up any spiritual practice, be it yoga, religion, meditation, art, sexuality, or even a hobby, it will encourage our demons to come to the surface.
So rest assured that after the initial betterment of almost everything in your life, every so often you'll have to confront and explore your deepest wounds, shadows, shame, unforgiven things, unsaid stories still running rampart.
It always hurts when we collect shattered glass, it's like spiraling back into depression we wanted to overcome so badly.
And I'm no exception to that
After ten or more years of dedicated practice I still have periods of self-loathing
feel I don't deserve,
get frustrated about the future
fear rejection or that I won't be able to live the life I aspire to live.
Crow's feet remind me that I'm not going to be eternally young and pretty,
The truth is I'll age, no man will stare at me anymore, and that I'll die just like everyone else.
I really want to be a genuine yoga teacher, not a sanctimonious phony who's pretending they made no mistake in life, always knew how to act properly, was never dumped and is "all-so-spiritual" they should almost get their own ashram
Yoga of the heart means I consciously choose this more positive side of myself
My heart is trusting and even it the pitch dark I know that I can't have done anything in a different, better way
I honestly admit my flaws and probably I'm a difficult person to be with
Yoga of the heart means that if I judge somebody for something I'm immediately become aware of it and mentally apologize
that I have courage to admit that I lied
Yoga of the heart means I agree to my past
My life story being far from this perfect exemplary autobiography one may live in some smart book...
And yet with this clear state of mind that I have right now I have to say I embrace all my cracks
And I feel there's just so much perfection in this imperfection
Sunday, August 31, 2014
With the increase in awareness, Yoga brightens up the body from the inside.
But before it will be completely lit - darkness has to withdraw.
Spiritual knowledge will slowly reveal itself.
This is a yogic process, not a psychological one.
It might hurt when the darkness is giving way.
I suffer - I practice.
I am elated - I practice.
I love - I practice.
And when I'm the most lonesome person on earth - I practice.
Darkness into light.
Ale zanim nasze ciało zostanie rozświetlone - musi ustąpić ciemność.
Wiedza duchowa będzie się odsłaniała powoli.
To proces jogiczny, nie psychologiczny.
Ustępowanie ciemności może boleć.
Praktykuję, gdy cierpię.
Praktykuję, gdy jestem szczęśliwa.
Praktykuję, gdy kocham.
I wtedy, kiedy jestem najbardziej samotną osobą na świecie.
Ciemność w światło.